Tag Archives: self-help

Bracing For Impact

Life throws you curve balls. How you brace for impact is what matters most.

How does one brace for impact when life throws us curve balls on our jobs, in our home, with our family and friends?

Below, I’ve listed a few examples on how we can take precautions so life’s blows don’t impact us so severely.

Bracing for Impact on your Job

Always keep your resume up to date. Even if you’re so happy where you are and you can’t see yourself leaving any time soon, update that bad boy. You never know when budget cuts are coming or when they’re starting the 1st round of layoffs. It’s best to update it when you’re in a good place rather than after you’ve been let go and you’re rushing and frustrated. Besides, if you do it now, you’ll have all the time you need to embellish or add in new roles & responsibilities as you’re currently doing them.

Have you ever tried to remember all of the things you did at a job when you no longer work there? It’s a pain in the butt. So get it out of the way and update it when your mind is at ease. You’ll thank yourself later.

Do a LinkedIn endorsement and recommendation swap with your favorite coworkers. That’s a sure fire way to get faster results and feedback for top recruiters and jobs to see how great you are. Also, if you’re currently on the market for something new, here are the top 3 job search sites to get you started: Robert Half, CareerBuilder, and Indeed. Happy job hunting!

Bracing for Impact in your Home

My home is my safe haven. TOI House is literally Toi’s House. Its where I live, eat, breathe, create, write, laugh and love. I feel safe here and I decorate my home to fit my mood and personality. Cool, calm, serene, a touch whimsical with splashes of color and my focus color is various shades of blue. Blue is calming and soothing.

Find a color that exhibits the mood you want to feel when you walk in the door from a long day of work. Better yet, hop onto my Pinterest Home Decor page for some ideas. Follow me of course! I love Moroccan themed decor so you’ll get a sneak peek at what my place sorta looks like.

The best way to soften the blow for anything related to your home is to:

  1. Decorate with budget-friendly decor:

    Decorate so your home looks and feels great. Setting the mood always helps your mindfulness state of being and you’ll always look forward to going home. Less time in the streets means less money spent!

  2. Create a budget for your bills:

    Create a budget so your bills are always paid and all costs are accounted for. There’s nothing better than a peace of mind knowing you don’t need to do anything else but lay your butt down and relax or get up and create.

  3. Leave stress at the door:

    Any job and outside stressors, leave it at the door. Of course, you want to talk about your day and that’s fair but the point is not to let it consume you or your family.

Bring in the best, leave out the rest.

Bracing for Impact with your Friends

This is a special one. Do you know that saying about family and friends? “You can pick your friends but you can’t pick your family.” This is very true and we’ll get to the family part in a sec, but to focus on friends, when you pick good people, it’s certainly a blessing. You control the caliber of people in your life. Let me say this again and I’ll put it in bold quotes too…

You control the caliber of people in your life!

If you let cheery, fun, life loving people into your space, you’ve invited in cheer, fun, life, and love into your life. If you let in Debbie Downers and Sulking Steve’s <—- (I made up Sulking Steve because there has to be a co-part to Debbie. Every negative thing can’t be female. That’s not even realistic! So Sulking Steve it is. I digressed.) naysayers and jealous people, you’ve invited in downers, sulkers, naysayers and jealousy into your life.

The latter makes for more arguing, tiresome proving, coddling, enabling and nurturing negative behavior from your end. That sounds like a full-time job in itself, right? Indeed. (like my pun? lol) Wouldn’t you rather have fun with fun people? I know I would! Don’t be afraid to cut off people who were once fun and cheerful and have become bitter old bats. Some serve their purpose for a season and others we outgrow. This is not you being mean. This is you living life.

We all have to be mindful of the relationships we keep and know whether they are super supportive or if they are super toxic. This can be difficult given how long we’ve had these friendships, but your emotional and mental health is way more important than any relationship you will ever form. You come 1st.

Place the oxygen mask on yourself before helping others.

Bracing for Impact with your Family

The family is a hand dealt by God. We love em and we can’t stand some of em but the fact is nothing can separate us from them genetically. If you are strong enough and have enough courage to stand up to the ones who seem to be out to destroy you, you can certainly love these individuals from a distance. Those type of family members can think they have your best interest at heart but their delivery is only in their best interest, not yours. Being able to articulate this, however, can be a huge challenge. If they’re already difficult, you telling them,

“Uncle, I hear you but I’m not liking your tone. As a matter of fact, I never did. Just like that time at our family BBQ back in 2007 when you said XYZ, and I was like…”

Yeah, none of that is going to work. And if you do try it, hit me up so I can be a fly on the wall, because that is some TV drama I may need some buttered popcorn for. Sometimes limiting visits and conversations help create distance, but that can also feel like you’re running from your problems. Either way, It’s better than being confrontational in a never-ending battle with Uncle so-and-so.

Therapy is also a great tool and helps in this area. If you can convince your family members to go, that’s the biggest step you’ll make here. Because participation is key to rehabilitation. Here’s a link to The Key to Fixing a Dysfunctional Family.

Use of “I” Statements

Check out this link on “I” Statements which is a style of communication focused on the feelings and beliefs of the speaker using the word “I” rather than the word “You” which would focus on the thoughts and characteristics the speaker attributes to the listener.

This is especially helpful when talking to co-workers, friends, and family. Basically, in any relationship you value, these “I” statements come in handy.

There are many other areas in life where you may need to brace for impact. But if you’re proactive and can find tools to put into practice before and during, the impact should be less damaging.

What are some things you do to soften the blow of life’s curveballs?

~ Toi Powell
Author

Dig deep – Hidden Pain

Have you ever had a splinter? Doesn’t that joint hurt like a …? And it’s so amazing and frustrating at how easy it was to get in there but once you’re ready to take it out, you have to go through so much work? It feels like an impossible task. Sometimes the splinter is in a place we don’t think we can access on our own, but it’s much more painful having someone else do it than to do it ourselves.

Removing splinters is so time-consuming. It takes precision and patience. Sometimes it takes forever, but if you really want it out, you’ll put forth the effort. If you can see it and it’s close to the surface, you have a better chance at getting it out much easier and faster. But what about those that are so far beneath the surface, you literally have to dig deep to find and remove it?

That’s what I think of when I think of pain. Pain is like a splinter. It’s literally a pain in the behind, toe, finger, leg or wherever your splinter is, but let’s associate this splinter with the pain of the heart.

There are so many things we keep deep down inside of us. We know it’s there, we can see it, we can feel it, but it takes too much work to release it. Why is that? Because we have to pull back so many outer layers of skin to get to the source/root of the problem. So many of us aren’t willing to take the time to unpack our pain. So, we leave it there to fester and fester and fester and fester until it gets to a point where we can no longer walk, run, breathe, live. The pain is so strong it interrupts our lives when we least expect it.

Have you ever gone off on someone and was surprised at your own reaction? Was it really that serious? Did they deserve the name calling? Did they deserve the sharp tongue? Did they deserve…any of it? You’re holding on to something you need to let go.

Are you reacting to someone the way you react to everyone when they say a “trigger word”? Guess what boo boo? The trigger is not the word. The trigger is you.

You are holding onto something you need to let go of. The dictionary is full of words and no one is going to sit there and figure out what triggers you or not. If you don’t even have the patience to address your own pain, what makes you think others will? They’d quicker leave you alone so you can figure out your own problems than to figure them out for you unless you’re paying them to.

In order to release yourself from this pain, you need to take the time to unpack it.

  • Why did I go off on so and so?
  • What did they say to make me feel that way?
  • Why do I feel that way?
  • Who did what to me in the past to make me feel this way?
  • What did I do to fix it? Did I address it, or did I just ignore it?
  • Now that I know what it was that hurt me, how do I move on from it?

These are the layers of skin you need to pull back to get to the splinter, the root, the source. When you find the source, you have a few steps you can take.

  • Address this issue with the person who hurt you.
  • Forgive them with all of your heart.
  • Forgive yourself for holding onto it.

It’s important to note the space you’re in when you do address the issues with the people who hurt you. If you take that route, you need to be in a space of true transparency and with the effort of moving forward, past this in love and light.

You can’t call up your old best friend or baby momma or baby daddy cussin them out and blaming them for everything in the world that happened to you since they did what they did.

You simply explain to them…

“I’ve been holding onto something that happened between us in the past and it hurt me badly. This is not a call to confront or blame you for anything. I just want to make amends and say I forgive you for whatever I feel you’ve done to me and I hope you can forgive me for holding onto it all of this time.”

It doesn’t matter if you’re friends anymore or not. What matters is that you’ve addressed it, and you want to move forward without it weighing on your heart and spirit from now on. If they accept it, great! If they don’t, you’ve said your peace and you can still move on.

Trust me, it works. I’ve done it myself and you can literally feel the weight melt right off of you. Next!

Now that you’ve gotten that terrible splinter out, you can walk freely. You won’t be “triggered” by words or phrases since you’ve located the source and have moved on from it. Now you’ll be able to live a healthier lifestyle with friends who don’t think you’re crazy because your eye starts twitching everytime someone mentions xyz.

That’s just the beginning of a journey of self-healing. It can probably save you some coint since you won’t need a psychotherapist to unpack it for you, making you relive every horrible moment of your childhood just to get to age 26 when Jack told you to walk home instead of picking you up. Remember, I said, sometimes its more painful having someone else do it than to do it ourselves? #Message.

A lot of self-healing you can do on your own. You just have to know where to start. Start with you. Not everyone else.

~ Toi Powell

Let me grow or let me go

Growing is something we all must do at some point in our lives but, it’s important to know that growth is different for everyone. Some people grow faster and some slower than others but growing is still an important part of life.

Physical growth, of course, is visible to the naked eye. Maybe a child gets taller, someone grows stronger, someone grows bigger and some grow smaller. It’s easier to accept what we can see but what about the things we can’t see. For instance:

  • Emotional
  • Mental
  • Spiritual

These are all areas that you or someone you know has to work on for themselves.

We all carry emotional baggage and we tend to think sometimes that we’ve let it go, but seriously. Did we really? If you still feel the heat of anger rising up in your chest when you think about what so and so did to you and what you wish you would’ve said and done, guess what? You’re still holding on to it. Let it go.

Mentally, when your perspective and knowledge increases, you’re the 1st to know and everyone else is the last to find out. No one likes to be the last to find out anything, so it makes sense to experience some pushback there.

Spiritually – woah! When you become more aligned with God, you change. You become a new you. This can be scary because you find yourself at the crossroads between old and new and you have others trying to pull you back when God is trying to move you forward. It’s a tug of war but only you know what’s best for you. You already know what lies back there but only God knows what lies ahead. Don’t you want the answers to everything you’ve been asking for? Don’t you finally want that business to take off? That special career you’ve been longing for? Behind you is your past and although it prepared you for what lies ahead, it’s time to put your skills to the test and walk in your purpose.

When you begin to “go with the flow” of where God is guiding you, others who “knew” you are so quick to remind you of who you used to be. They throw things at you that make you question yourself based on your old self. But growth, especially spiritual growth is a process. Say it with me… a process!

How others grow is and will be completely different from how you grow. You have your own talents, skills, thoughts, drives, and ways you’d like to share this with others. Just because you don’t grow like them and vice versa doesn’t mean growth isn’t happening. It just means perhaps keep your distance for a while until you are steady enough in your course and have faith that God has seen something special in you and he wants to work with you in wonderful ways.

While you may have looked like a strong tree prior to your transformation…

Photography: Toi Powell

The transition into the new you can look, not so strong…

Photography: Toi Powell

But when you’re allowed to grow in peace and able to spread your roots,  where an old tree last stood, sprouts something beautiful and new.

Photography: Toi Powell

You may not look like the old tree but you’re growing and that’s all that matters. It may take months, it may take years but if you find someone constantly reminding you of who you “were” simply tell them… Let me grow, or let me go.

If they truly love you, they’ll be amazed at the person you’ve grown to be.

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new. 

2 Corinthians 5:17-21  (NKJV)

~ Toi Powell

Veronica & Compassion

Who is Veronica?

Why do we care about Veronica? What has she ever done for us?

These are some of the questions we ask ourselves when we don’t understand why we need to do something nice for someone who has never done or said a nice thing about us. In fact, Veronica or Victor (if you want to put a gender to this topic) is sometimes at the head of the snake, the head of the problems in your life. But what you don’t understand is that sometimes our reactions to these problems and problem makers is what extends the life of the issue.

We like to talk about Veronica to everyone. We need a team of “Ummm Hmmm-ers” or “Are you serious, she said WHAT-ers” to validate the offense and don’t realize, we’re spreading our own issues like wildfire. Maybe it doesn’t get back to Veronica that you were offended or maybe it does, but the fact of the matter is, you also had a hand in your own undoing.

When we talk to others to share our pain, why are we doing it?

  • Are we looking for validation?
  • Are we looking for guidance?
  • Are we looking to gossip?

There are too many reasons to list but not enough solutions. When you judge Veronica for being a horrible person and you stand around with others who do the same, do you see yourself as the crowd holding stones? If not, you should ask yourself why not? Because that’s exactly what you’re doing.

While you’re pointing the finger at mean old Veronica, you haven’t been able to pay your own bills on time for months. Your friend you go to lunch with hasn’t seen his kids in just as long if not longer. Your other co-worker is sleeping in her car because she lost her apartment. Meanwhile, Veronica may be dealing with issues unseen, unheard and she has no other outlet than to let it out on you because misery likes company and you don’t even realize you’re in the company of misery.

Where compassion comes in is, you can see, realize and understand that all people have issues. Everyone falls short. Nothing you do or say will ever change that. So,  when you went looking for compassion because Veronica slammed her laptop on your desk and asked you something for the fifth time, or maybe it was the first, you denied her the same right you have. The right for others to have compassion for those in the midst of their own struggle.

You pray for Veronica’s healing. You pray that she’s removed from the struggle. You pray that anything not of God that’s holding her down is removed from her life so that she may prosper and bring light instead of pain. You pray for yourself and ask for further clarity and understanding that you may identify in yourself and in others the block that is keeping you from living your greatest life.

Compassion for your enemies. That’s the lesson. And when you learn that and apply it, see how things begin to shift in your own favor.

And congratulations! Those tangled headphones just got a little more unraveled. That is our purpose after all isn’t it? To be unraveled enough to be more aligned with God and our purpose.

~ Toi Powell

Unraveled

Most of us think of being unraveled as coming undone. But what if coming undone is exactly what we need?

When we think of unraveling something, we think of taking it apart. Why would we need to unravel anything, you ask? Hmmm, perhaps your phone charger cord is in knots or how about those headphones you throw into a bag when you’re in a rush, just to realize, by rushing and not paying careful attention, you’ll have to unravel it later on when you need it most.

Think about the amount of time you could’ve saved in the beginning if you just took your time and carefully placed it where it should’ve been in the 1st place.

To unravel something, it takes intense scrutiny, intense observation, struggle, frustration and at times we even think about giving up. But we need those headphones, right? What are the typical steps we take?

Praying for a Miracle

We’ve got a mess, so we figure if we roll it around in our hands really fast, in some miraculous way, it’ll come undone.  That’s wishful thinking and hey, sometimes it works, especially if it’s not as knotted up, to begin with (follow me here). But if it’s like most headphone wires, you’ve got some work to do.

Time is of the essence

Why do we need these tangled up headphones so badly? Perhaps there’s something important we need to hear. We get frustrated because we want to hear it so bad, but we’re not in the atmosphere where we can hear it out loud. We need privacy, so we continue to struggle and then thoughts of makeshift ideas set in like, “Maybe if I unravel it enough to get the buds to reach both ears, that’ll do.” But who wants to sit there looking like the struggle? To everyone else looking at you from the outside, you look disheveled and lazy. You keep this in mind and either run away to be disheveled in private or you decide to take the time to unravel it now, or you decide, “It’s not worth it, so I’ll listen to it some other time.”

Divine Intervention

This is the moment when you’re at your wit’s end and have decided that you are out of your league here. You’ve given up on your own ability to figure it out for yourself and you turn and ask someone for help. “I’m sorry, I’ve tried and tried to unravel these knots and I just can’t do it.” For whatever reason, you’ve given up on yourself and your hope is that someone more qualified can help you. Here is where you decide one of the most important things in your life. Are you going to stand there and watch how they unraveled it for you or are you going to be distracted while someone else does all the hard work? I can assure you, if you allow yourself to be distracted, you’ll end up in the same position later on with tangled headphones, without the skill to unravel them. If you really need to learn the life lesson, no one will be around when you need the help. And then it’s just you and those tangled headphones ready to drive you crazy until you actually learn to sit there and figure it out.

It’s important to note here, that going to just anyone for divine intervention can tangle those headphones up even more. Use caution and the spirit of discernment to guide you. If you feel worse, if those headphones look worse, that’s not the one. If you feel good around the person you asked for help and you leave feeling refreshed and wonderful, Good for you! That’s it!

Why in the world is Toi going on and on about these headphones you ask?

Because it’s not about headphones sweetheart. It’s about YOU. Our lives are a set of tangled up headphones. It’s a mess and it’s ok to admit it. We’re human and unfortunately, that’s all part of the deal. But at some point, we have to evolve past frustration, past hurt, past guilt, past everything that holds us back from our full potential of being our best selves.

Ask yourself. Do you want to be the person who’s always trying to unravel headphones or do you want to be the one who is cautious in the 1st place #1 and/or #2 the person who has learned the lesson and is able to help the next person unravel their tangled headphones?

The world is a huge distraction

The world is a huge distraction, everything in it, everything about it. It’s built and made to distract, but what they don’t teach on a large enough scale is that the most amazing experience in life lies within you! You already have the juice! Everyone has the juice, but the world is built to convince you that you have to do the most extreme things to get it. You need trillions upon trillions of dollars to live your best life, you need undeniable fame to be happy and well loved the world over. But when you truly love yourself, you don’t need the love of others.

Self-awareness is knowing there is a higher power

I call him God. He’s created you in his image which means although your vessel (humanity) may not be perfect, what lies within you, your living breathing, thinking spirit is something truly amazing. It’s outright phenomenal. Our spirit is who we are, sometimes we confuse our identity for spirit, but it’s not. We can’t fully understand who we really are until we begin to unravel it like the headphones (just making sure you’re still following).

You know you’re on your spiritual quest when you begin to question everything around you. I’m aware this sounds like the Matrix movie, but writers of that movie were truly insightful. If you’re very surface and literal about things, you just see Neo flying around like a superhero trying to save Zion. But if you’re one who begins to question everything, you see yourself as Thomas A. Anderson (Neo’s birth name), looking for answers, afraid to step out. But, the overwhelming feeling of curiosity of what else there is, and who you really are leads you to your true destiny. If you’re really bold and want to be the one who helps unravel the headphones, you’ll see yourself as Neo wanting to save Zion and release as many people stuck in the Matrix so that they too will be saved (Mr. Anderson has evolved into Neo – wanted to make that clear).

When you begin to question why, to everything from politics to religion, to workplace habits, to why humanity is the way that it is (that was my catalyst – what is wrong with humanity?), those who “know” you begin to look at you like “What’s wrong with you?

“, “This is the way it’s always been.” “Why are you treating me differently?”  And you begin to realize that the world you’ve been blissfully living in, feels like a sham. It walks like a duck, it quacks like a duck, but is it really a duck or is it a rabbit? <—– I’d enter a  hyperlink here to take you somewhere else to explain this reference but, let’s keep it cool and simple for now. If you already know what that means, kudos to you. I’m still grasping it myself.

Anywho, it can be difficult when you begin on this journey of self-discovery because your self is alone. You came into this world alone and you’ll do what? Yeah, I knew you knew the phrase. So to everyone else you seem unraveled.

To them, unraveled means “Uh oh, he/she is losing it.” But to you, it should be the greatest compliment!

You have chosen to unravel yourself and you’re “losing it”, congratulations!

That’s breaking the chains of everything holding you back. Depression, anxiety, frustration, anger, confusion, disillusionment, distorted self-images. You’re breaking through. If you’re familiar with spiritual leaders and you hear them “pray for your breakthrough” they’re not praying for your new car, your new house, your new job, your new friends. They’re praying for your unraveling, for you to see through this disillusionment we call the world. They’re praying that you have an open and pure relationship with God for yourself who will supply all of those needs you thought they were praying for. They’re praying for better decision making, praying for healing your mind, body, and spirit. Praying that the woes of the world break from you so that you may break – through into the glory of who God set out for you to be.

Now, before you think I’m getting all preachy because I started typing the letters G.O.D at the end of this post, you feel like I suckered you in, think about this. Are you the headphones or are you the unraveler? Because I once too was the set of tangled headphones, but I stuck around and still am to see how to unravel them. But my spirit is relentless and I am the head and not the tail. I’ll show you how to unravel them as I Iearn. Will you stick around too or will you allow yourself to be distracted and have to do this all over again, 10 years from now?

~ Toi Powell